Monday, October 19, 2009
The Wit and Wisdom of Mark Twain
HUMOR, QUOTABLE QUOTES
He is called the father of American humor. He called himself Mark Twain, after the familiar cry on Mississippi riverboats used in measuring the depth of the water. As a young man he had been a pilot on such boats.
Born Samuel Langhorne Clemens in 1835, he saw the introduction of the telegraph, the telephone and the motorcar. He also saw the Civil War and the Spanish American War, and regarded the latter conflict as an imperialist war. He could be cantankerous, satirical and sentimental. His Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is regarded as The Great American Novel.
In 1909, he said, "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it." True to his word, he died at Redding, Connecticut, on April 10, 1910, and is buried in Elmira, New York. Here is a small sample of his wit and wisdom:
The very best thing in all this world that can befall a man is to be born lucky.
To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one essential thing.
Simplified spelling is all right, but, like chastity, you can carry it too far.
To make man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain,
God's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn.
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be raised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Do your duty today and repent tomorrow.
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
No civilization can be perfect until exact equality between men and women is included.
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
If books are not good company, where will I find it?
Whatever a man's age may be he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his buttonhole.
Few things are harder to put up with then the annoyance of a good example.
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Each race determines for itself what indecencies are. Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.
Senators are persons who make laws in Washington when not doing time.
If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without a woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.
On woman: as a sweetheart she has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a wet nurse she has no equal among men.
We are so strangely made; the memories that could make us happy pass away; it is the memories that break our hearts that abide.
An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
The Church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little by way of example.
An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
Somebody has said that in order to know a community, one must observe the style of its funerals and know what manner of man they bury with most ceremony.
You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.
What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense.
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horseraces.
When we remember we are all mad and, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.
Is anybody brave when he has no audience?
Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
A heroine is a girl who is perfectly charming to live with, in a book.
I like a good story well told and that is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise.
It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing--I used to be a good boy.
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority it is time to reform.
Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.
There is a one thing in this world which isn't ever cheap. That's a coffin.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it. They have also believed the world was flat.
What is a human life? The first third is a good time; the rest remembering about it.
My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine. But everyone drinks water.
The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
Where every man has a vote, brutal laws are impossible.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
It is better to support schools than jails.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
He is called the father of American humor. He called himself Mark Twain, after the familiar cry on Mississippi riverboats used in measuring the depth of the water. As a young man he had been a pilot on such boats.
Born Samuel Langhorne Clemens in 1835, he saw the introduction of the telegraph, the telephone and the motorcar. He also saw the Civil War and the Spanish American War, and regarded the latter conflict as an imperialist war. He could be cantankerous, satirical and sentimental. His Adventures of Huckleberry Finn is regarded as The Great American Novel.
In 1909, he said, "I came in with Halley's Comet in 1835. It is coming again next year, and I expect to go out with it." True to his word, he died at Redding, Connecticut, on April 10, 1910, and is buried in Elmira, New York. Here is a small sample of his wit and wisdom:
The very best thing in all this world that can befall a man is to be born lucky.
To believe yourself brave is to be brave; it is the one essential thing.
Simplified spelling is all right, but, like chastity, you can carry it too far.
To make man or a boy covet a thing, it is only necessary to make the thing difficult to attain,
God's inhumanity to man makes countless thousands mourn.
We are always more anxious to be distinguished for a talent which we do not possess, than to be raised for the fifteen which we do possess.
Do your duty today and repent tomorrow.
Always acknowledge a fault frankly. This will throw those in authority off their guard and give you an opportunity to commit more.
There is no sadder sight than a young pessimist.
Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Why is it that we rejoice at a birth and grieve at a funeral? It is because we are not the person involved.
No civilization can be perfect until exact equality between men and women is included.
One of the striking differences between a cat and a lie is that a cat has only nine lives.
If books are not good company, where will I find it?
Whatever a man's age may be he can reduce it several years by putting a bright-colored flower in his buttonhole.
Few things are harder to put up with then the annoyance of a good example.
Man was made at the end of the week's work, when God was tired.
Fleas can be taught nearly anything that a Congressman can.
Each race determines for itself what indecencies are. Nature knows no indecencies; man invents them.
Senators are persons who make laws in Washington when not doing time.
If we had less statesmanship we could get along with fewer battleships.
What, sir, would the people of the earth be without a woman? They would be scarce, sir, almighty scarce.
We all live in the protection of certain cowardices which we call our principles.
On woman: as a sweetheart she has few equals and no superiors; as a cousin she is convenient; as a wealthy grandmother with an incurable distemper, she is precious; as a wet nurse she has no equal among men.
We are so strangely made; the memories that could make us happy pass away; it is the memories that break our hearts that abide.
An enemy can partly ruin a man, but it takes a good-natured injudicious friend to complete the thing and make it perfect.
The lack of money is the root of all evil.
All say, "How hard it is that we have to die"--a strange complaint to come from the mouths of people who have had to live.
The less a man knows the bigger the noise he makes and the higher the salary he commands.
Adam and Eve had many advantages, but the principal one was that they escaped teething.
When you fish for love, bait with your heart, not your brain.
The Church is always trying to get other people to reform; it might not be a bad idea to reform itself a little by way of example.
An uneasy conscience is a hair in the mouth.
Do not tell fish stories where the people know you; but particularly, don't tell them where they know the fish.
Somebody has said that in order to know a community, one must observe the style of its funerals and know what manner of man they bury with most ceremony.
You can't reason with your heart; it has its own laws, and thumps about things which the intellect scorns.
What are the proper proportions of a maxim? A minimum of sound to a maximum of sense.
Always do right. This will gratify some people, and astonish the rest.
Irreverence is the champion of liberty and its only sure defense.
It were not best that we should all think alike; it is difference of opinion that makes horseraces.
When we remember we are all mad and, the mysteries of life disappear and life stands explained.
Is anybody brave when he has no audience?
Familiarity breeds contempt--and children.
When angry, count four; when very angry, swear.
A heroine is a girl who is perfectly charming to live with, in a book.
I like a good story well told and that is the reason I am sometimes forced to tell them myself.
Consider well the proportions of things. It is better to be a young June bug than an old bird of paradise.
It used to be a good hotel, but that proves nothing--I used to be a good boy.
Whenever you find you are on the side of the majority it is time to reform.
Often, the less there is to justify a traditional custom, the harder it is to get rid of it.
There is a one thing in this world which isn't ever cheap. That's a coffin.
If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous he will not bite you. This is the principal difference between a dog and a man.
One of the proofs of the immortality of the soul is that myriads have believed in it. They have also believed the world was flat.
What is a human life? The first third is a good time; the rest remembering about it.
My works are like water. The works of the great masters are like wine. But everyone drinks water.
The difference between the almost-right word and the right word is really a large matter--it's the difference between the lightning bug and the lightning.
Where every man has a vote, brutal laws are impossible.
Travel is fatal to prejudice, bigotry and narrow-mindedness, and many of our people need it sorely on these accounts. Broad, wholesome, charitable views of men and things cannot be acquired by vegetating in one little corner of the earth all one's lifetime.
It is better to support schools than jails.
Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence in society.
Labels: Mark Twain, Quotable Quotes
