Wednesday, February 27, 2008
The Anatomy of Humor: One-liners
In this segment we explore the family of jokes known as "one-liners." Shakespeare's observation by Polonius in Hamlet that "brevity is the soul of wit" embodies the basic principle of the one-liner. One-liners are probably as old as language. Here are some classic examples:
"I have nothing to declare except my genius." (said to U.S. Customs agents by Oscar Wilde, Anglo-Irish author, upon arriving at New York in 1882)
Be good. You will be lonesome. (American humorist Mark Twain)
History is an account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools. (American satirist Ambrose Bierce)
She delivered a striking performance that ran the gamut of emotions--from A to B. (erroneously attributed to American writer Dorothy Parker, describing the acting of Katharine Hepburn in the 1933 Broadway play, The Lake)
"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies." (American comedian Groucho Marx)
Politics is made up of two words: "Poli," which is Greek for "many," and "tics," which are bloodsucking insects." (American author Gore Vidal)
A friend asked me if I slept well. I said, "No, I made a few mistakes." (American deadpan humorist Steven Wright)
One-liners are useful for eliciting quick, cheap laughs, although they can become tiresome to audiences if used to excess by a performer. One exception, stand-up comedian Henny Youngman, known as the "King of the One-Liners," used one-liners exclusively in his comedy routines. He is perhaps best remembered for the stock line he used throughout his career:
"Take my wife--please." Other famous Henny Youngman one-liners include:
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up--they have no holidays.
* * *
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stay out of those places.
My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses--drinks right out of the bottle. When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
Here are other one-liners of unknown origin: Be nice to your kids. They're the ones who will be choosing your nursing home.
Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
The trouble with being a leader today is that you can't be sure whether people are following you or chasing you.
The reason Santa is so jolly is that he knows where all the bad girls live.
Birth control pills are tax deductible, but only if they don't work.
Did you know that half of all the people in the world are below average.
* * *
Shouldn't there be a shorter word for "monosyllabic"?
Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?
If the black box survives a plane crash, why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?
Why is "brassiere" singular and "panties" plural?
Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
Why is it called "tourist season" if you can't shoot them?
Do Roman nurses refer to IVs as 4s?
Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?
What's another word for "thesaurus"?
An old proverb admonishes us never say anything bad about a man until you've walked a mile in his shoes. But by then you're a mile away. you've got his shoes, and you can say anything you want about him.
* * *
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
Politicians and diapers should be changed regularly--and for the same reason.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Lead me not into temptation--I can find my way myself.
"Veni, Vidi, Velcro"--I came, I saw, I stuck around.
If you are what you eat, a lot of us are dead meat.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is definitely not for you.
The early bird gets the worm, but it's the second mouse that gets the cheese.
Why is it called a building when it has already been built?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* * *
Did you hear about the blind man who picked up a hammer and saw?
You go to the ballet and you see girls dancing on their tiptoes. Why don't they just get taller girls?
Do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?
It's not the pace of life that bothers me, it's the sudden stop at the end.
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
The best thing about computers is that they make very fast, accurate mistakes.
A clear conscience is a sign of a bad memory.
"Incontinence Hotline . . . Can you hold, please?"
I went to buy some camouflage clothing, but I couldn't find it.
* * *
A man walks up to a blind man and hands him a matzo. The blind man runs his fingers over it and asks, "Who wrote this gibberish?"
As you grow older, do you miss the innocence and idealism of your youth, or do you mostly miss the cherry bombs?
The difference between capitalism and communism is that under communism man exploits man, whereas under capitalism it's the other way around.
Labels: Humor, Jokes, One-liners
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
The Anatomy of Humor: Lawyer Jokes
We make jokes about them and malign them, suggesting that they are conniving, shady and dishonest. Yet when we get into trouble with the law, we expect them to perform miracles and extricate us from difficulties of our own devising. And when we shuffle off this mortal coil, they sort out the tangled web we inevitably leave behind.
Lawyers are as professional as those with doctoral degrees in theology, medicine, dentistry, and the sciences and social sciences, yet they must make do with the archaic Esq. (for Esquire) appended to their names. They are the members of the legal profession. More than any other profession, the jokes about them can be the most biting. Here is a selection of jokes poking fun at their foibles:
Why does New Jersey have so many toxic waste dumps and New York have so many lawyers?
Answer: New Jersey got first choice.
Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
Answer: Professional courtesy.
Two lawyers were out hunting when they came upon some tracks. After close examination, the first lawyer declared them to be deer tracks. The second lawyer disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit them.
A lawyer calls his client to tell him about his fee schedule. "Okay," the lawyer says looking through his papers. "You owe me $1,000 down and $417.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months."What! That sounds like a car payment schedule," retorted the client."Your right. It's mine."
An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency. An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor. "So, what is it?" grumbled the governor. "Judge Simpkins has just died," said the attorney, "and I want to take his place." The governor told him: "Well, it's OK with me--if it's OK with the undertaker."
I dated a woman lawyer for a while, until one evening when I became amorous she told me, "Stop and/or I'll slap your face."
A young lawyer, starting up his private practice, was very anxious to impress potential clients. When he saw the first visitor to his office come through the door, he immediately picked up his phone and spoke into it," I'm sorry, but my caseload is so tremendous that I'm not going to be able to look into your problem for at least a month. I'll have to get back to you then." He then turned to the man who had just walked in. "Now, what can I do for you?" he asked. "Nothing," replied the man. "I'm here to hook up your phone."
How many lawyers does it take to roof a house? Answer: Depends on how thin you slice them.
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer approached the doctor. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, "I never know how to handle the situation when I'm asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice?" The lawyer assured him that it was certainly acceptable to do so. The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. And the lawyer sent a bill to the doctor.
What do you have when you've got six lawyers buried up to their necks in sand? Answer: Not enough sand.
A lawyer was filling out a job application when he came to the question: "Have you ever been arrested?" He answered no to the question. The next question, intended for those who answered the preceding question with a yes, was "why?" Nevertheless, the lawyer answered it with "Never got caught."
The judge said to his dentist, "Pull my tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth."
How can I ever thank you?" gushed a woman to Clarence Darrow, after he had solved her legal troubles. My dear woman," Darrow replied, "ever since the Phoenicians invented money there has been only one answer to that question."
"You seem to be in some distress. Is anything the matter?" said the kindly judge to the witness. "Well, your Honor," the witness replied, "I swore to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, but every time I try, some lawyer objects."
How was copper wire invented? Answer: Two lawyers were fighting over a penny.
Upon advising an elderly lady about the drafting of her will, the attorney charged her $100. She gave him a $100 bill, not noticing that it was stuck to another $100 bill. On seeing the two bills stuck together, the ethical question came to the attorney's mind: "Do I tell my partner?"
What's the difference between a wood tick and a lawyer? Answer: A wood tick falls off. When you die.
Two lawyers went into a restaurant and each ordered a drink. Next they took sandwiches out of their briefcases and started to eat. A waiter passing by said, "Hey, you can't eat your own sandwiches in here!" So the lawyers traded sandwiches.
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking toward his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with pain. "I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000." The concerned golfer replied,"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry, but I did yell 'fore'." The attorney said eagerly, "I'll take it,"
A lawyer was painting his house. When the hobo came along and asked if he could do something to earn a few dollars. The lawyer says, "Sure, take a can of this paint and go around to the back of the house and paint my porch." The hobo does this, and half an hour late comes back and says he's finished. The lawyer says, "Already?" And the hobo says, "Yes, but it isn't a Porsche, it's a B.M.W."
Prosecutor: "Did you kill the victim?"Defendant: "No, I did not."Prosecutor: "Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?" Defendant: "Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder."
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and prepare for an emergency landing. A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready. "All set back here, Captain," came the reply, "except the lawyers are still going around passing out business cards."
The defendant knew he didn't have a prayer of beating the murder rap, so he bribed one of the jurors to find him guilty of manslaughter. The jury was out for three days before they finally returned the desired verdict of manslaughter. Afterward, the defendant asked the juror he had bribed, "How come it took you so long?" The juror replied, "It wasn't easy. All the other jurors wanted to acquit."
A lawyer comes to visit his client on death row, and says, "I have some good news for you." The client says, "What good news could you be talking about? You lost my case. I was convicted of a murder I didn't commit, and I've been sentenced to die in the electric chair!"The lawyer assures him, "Yes, but I got the voltage reduced."
A lawyer is cross-examining a doctor about whether he checked the pulse of the deceased before he signed the death certificate."No, he said, I did not check his pulse.""And did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer."No, I did not," said the doctor. "So," said the lawyer, sensing victory, "When you signed the death certificate, you had not taken steps to make sure he was dead?" The doctor replied, "Well, let me put it this way. At that moment, the man's brain was in a jar of formaldehyde on my desk. But for all I know he could be out practicing law somewhere."
"Are you a lawyer?"
"Yes, I am.""And how much do you charge?"
"$100 for four questions."
"Isn't that rather expensive?"
"Yes. What's your fourth question?"
Labels: Humor, Jokes, Lawyer Jokes
Monday, February 11, 2008
The Anatomy of Humor: Doctor Jokes
We now reach a point some may have dreaded. We tackle that genre of jokes devoted to the faults and foibles of professionals. We start with those poking fun at the medical and dental professions (and their patients):
A man consults a therapist and says, "Doc, I'm suicidal, what should I do?" The doctor replies, "You'd better pay in advance."
Wife: "How did it go at the doctor's office today, honey?"
Husband: "The doctor told me I have to take medication every day for the rest of my life."
Wife: "What's so terrible about that?"
Husband: "He only gave me a four pills."
My doctor tried kidnapping for a while, but nobody could read the ransom notes.
Doctor: "Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night?"
Nurse: "No change yet. "
Patient: "Nurse, I keep seeing spots in front of my eyes."
Nurse: "Have you ever seen a doctor?"
Patient: "No, just spots."
A woman goes into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'd just as soon have a baby as have a root canal procedure." The dentist says, "Make up your mind. I have to adjust the chair."
Doctor: "Sir, I'd give you maybe three minutes to live."
Patient" "Isn't there anything you can do for me?"
Doctor: "Well, I could boil you an egg."
As a patient an artist got a call from the gallery that was showing his work. The gallery owner said, "I have good news and bad news. A fellow came in this morning and asked if your work is the kind that would increase in value after the artist's death. I said yes, and he bought all fifteen paintings. The bad news is that he's your doctor."
When the x-ray specialist married one of his patients, everybody wondered what he saw in her.
Woman: "Doctor, for the last eight months, my husband has thought that he's a lawnmower."
Doctor: "That's terrible, why didn't you bring him in sooner?"
Woman: "Because the neighbor just returned him this morning."
Psychoanalysis is easier for a man, because when it's time to go back to childhood, he's already there.
Patient: "Say, Doctor, what was wrong with that nun who just came running out of your office? She looked terribly pale."
Doctor: "Well, I examined her, and told her she was pregnant."
Patient: "Is she?"
Doctor: "No, but it sure cured her hiccups!"
Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. I can't stop thinking I'm a goat."
Doctor: "I see. And how long have you had this problem?"
Patient: "Ever since I was a kid."
Doctor: 'All things considered, you are in perfect health. You'll live to be at least 65."
Patient: "But Doctor, I am 65!"
Doctor: "See? What did I tell you?"
Patient: "I have this terrible problem, Doctor. I think I'm a dog. I walk around on all fours, I keep barking in the middle of the night, and I eat dog food."
Psychiatrist: "Very interesting. Lie down on the couch, please."
Patient: "I'm not allowed on the couch."
Patient: "How much to have this tooth filled?"
Dentist: "$90." Patient: "$90 for just a few minutes work?"
Dentist: "I can work slower if you like."
This doctor calls up the patient and says, "I've got some good news and some bad news for you." The patient says, "What's the good news, doc?" And the doctor says, "They're going to name a disease after you."
Patient: "Doctor, you've got to help me. Some mornings I wake up and think I'm Donald Duck, other mornings I think I'm Mickey Mouse." Doctor: "Hmmm, and how long have you been having these Disney spells?"
Doctor: "What's wrong with your brother?"
Boy: "He thinks he's a chicken."
Doctor: "Really? How long has he thought this?"
Boy: "Three years."
Doctor: "Three years!"
Boy: "We would have brought him in sooner, but we needed the eggs."
Patient: "Something's wrong! I'm shrinking!"
Doctor: "Take it easy, sir. You'll just have to be a little patient."
Patient: "I was depressed, Doctor, so I tried to kill myself by taking a thousand aspirins."
Doctor: "What happened?
Patient: "Well, after the first two, I felt better."
A man walks into a psychiatrist's office with a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear, and a banana in his right ear. He says, "What's the matter with me?" The psychiatrist says, "You're not eating properly."
Patient: "I don't know what's wrong with me, Doctor, but I hurt all over. If I touch my shoulder here, it hurts, and if I touch my leg here, it hurts, and if I touch my head here, it hurts, and if I touch my foot here, it hurts."
Doctor: "That's simple. I believe you've broken your finger."
Patient: "Am I going to be okay after the operation, Doctor?"
Doctor: "There's nothing to worry about. The procedure is quite routine and not at all complicated."
Patient: "Good. I hope you remember that when you're preparing the bill."
Patient: "Doctor, I think I'm suffering from memory loss."
Doctor: "Have you ever had it before?"
Visitor: I'm here to see a friend who was admitted to the hospital this morning. He was run over by a steamroller."
Nurse: "He's in Rooms 103, 104, 105, 106, 107."
Patient: "Doctor, you told me I have a month to live, and then you sent me a bill for a thousand dollars. I can't possibly pay that by the end of the month."
Doctor: "Okay, you have six months to live."
A man accidentally cut off all his fingers with a power saw. When he got to the hospital, the surgeon said, "Thank goodness for microsurgery. Give me the fingers and I'll reattach them. The man said, "Sorry, I wasn't able to pick them up."
Patient: "Doctor, am I going to die?"
Doctor: That's the last thing you're going to do."
Labels: Doctor Jokes, Humor, Jokes
Tuesday, February 05, 2008
The Anatomy of Humor: Lightbulb Jokes
Jokes involving the replacement of lightbulbs are of comparatively recent origin, poking fun at a wide variety of occupations, cultures and ethnic groups. The original lightbulb joke is generally acknowledged to have gone something like this: "How many [insert name of group here] does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten--one to hold the lightbulb and nine to turn the ladder around."
Once the target group has been chosen, infinite variations of the joke's punch line are possible by emphasizing various qualities the group is supposed to possess. A common variation of the joke often targets a professional group that has an inflated sense of its importance in our society. Here is a wide assortment:
How many doctors does it take to change a lightbulb? What kind of insurance do you have?
How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but only if the lightbulb wants to change.
How many psychoanalysts does it take to change a lightbulb? How long have you been having this fantasy?
How many telemarketers does it take to change a lightbulb? Only one, but she has to do it while you're eating dinner.
How many chiropractors, does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but it takes him three visits.
How many reference librarians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I don't know, I'll have to check on that and get back to you.
How many real estate agents does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten, but we'll accept eight.
How many used car salesman does it take to screw in a lightbulb? I'm working out the figure on my calculator, and I think you'll be pleasantly surprised.
How many auto mechanics does it take to change a lightbulb? We don't know yet, they're still waiting for a part to come in.
How many IRS agents, does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but it really gets screwed.
How many statisticians, does it take to change a lightbulb? 1.67.
How many accountants does it take to screw in a lightbulb? What kind of answer did you have in mind?
How many firemen and does it take to change a lightbulb? Four. One to change it, and three to cut a hole in the ceiling.
How many dull people does it take to change a lightbulb? One.
How many skateboarders does it take to change a lightbulb? One, dude.
How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb? Who wants to know?
How many gay rights activists, does it take to change a lightbulb? None. The bulb shouldn't have to change for society to accept it.
How many gay men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but they would probably prefer to have track lighting instead.
How many lesbians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in and two to write a song about it.
How many tech support people does it take to change a lightbulb? We have the same lightbulb here, and it's working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now, exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be four or five things wrong . . . . Have you tried the light switch?
How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a lightbulb? One. But you are going to be downloading patches for years after he does it.
How many advertising executives does it take to change a lightbulb? Interesting question. What do you think?
How many art directors does it take to change a lightbulb? Does it have to be a lightbulb?
How many copy editors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? The last time this question was asked, it involved art directors. Is the difference intentional? Should one of one or the other instances be changed? It seems inconsistent.
How many art students does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but he gets two credits.
How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb? None. New Haven looks better in the dark.
How many Zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it and one not to change it.
How many football players does it take to change a lightbulb? The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit.
How many Irishmen does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifteen. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey until the room spins.
How many brewers does it take to change a lightbulb? About one-third less than for a regular bulb.
How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. Two to hold the ladder, and one to screw the lightbulb into a faucet.
How many tech people does it take to change a lightbulb? We have received your request concerning your hardware problem, and have assigned your request service number 32475. Please use this number for any future reference to this lightbulb issue. As soon as a technician becomes available, you will be contacted.
How many Amish does it take to change a lightbulb? None; they change candles.
How many singers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Eighteen. One to do it, and seventeen to be on the guest list.
How many jazz musicians does it take to change a lightbulb? Don't worry about the changes. We'll fake it!
How many Republicans as it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to mix the martinis, and one to call the electrician.
How many Democrats does it take to change a lightbulb? Seventeen. One to change the globe, six to talk about how wonderful it is going to be when the new bulb is screwed in, and ten to argue for increased funding for solar lighting research.
How many cockroaches does it take to change a lightbulb? No one knows; they all scatter when the light comes on.
How many poets does it take to change a lightbulb.? Two. One to look at the bulb and think of his mother and one to stand at the window and watch the rain.
How many writers does it take to change a lightbulb? Ten. One to change it and nine to say, "I could have done that."
How many public radio personalities, does it take to change a lightbulb? We'll have that answer right after this pledge break.
How many public radio people does it take to change a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb, and two to do the pledging around it.
How many Bush administration officials does it take to change a lightbulb? None. There is no need to change anything. We made the right decision to stick with that lightbulb. People who say that it is burned out are giving aid and comfort to an enemy over there who wants to attack us over here.
How many dyslectics does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to ladder the hold and the other to bulb in the screw.
How many Canadians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to go across the border to buy the bulb at a factory outlet, one to crew it in, one to translate everything into French, and one to drop the puck.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Labels: Bar Jokes, Humor, Lightbulb Jokes
