Friday, November 30, 2007
The Anatomy of Humor 11: Yo Momma So Fat . . .
HUMOR
Yo momma so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
That’s a prime example of a 'Yo Momma' joke, a genre so popular it became the basis for a series of no-holds-barred competitions on MTV. Produced and hosted by actor Wilmer Valderrama, matches were held on successive seasons in Los Angeles, New York and Atlanta.
From Monday to Thursday, the show pitted the toughest trash talkers against one another. Each team of contestants battled it out in front of a rowdy live audience of their peers. The four winners then came back on Friday for a Best of the Week. Here are 98 more prime examples of Yo Momma humor:
Yo momma so fat,
1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.
3. she's got her own area code.
4. when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call.
5. she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.
8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. she wears aluminum siding.
10. she could fall down and wouldn't even know it.
* * *
11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
12. the sign inside one restaurant says, "Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma."
13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
19. she was zoned for commercial development.
20. when she sings, it's over for everybody.
* * *
21. she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.
22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas. 23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.
24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy's word for it.
25. she gets group insurance.
26. she's on both sides of the family.
27. she can't reach her back pocket.
28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
30. when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
* * *
31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
32. we're in her right now.
33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.
35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
36. her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.
39. when she gets on the scale, it says "To be continued."
40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.
* * *
41. she fell in love and broke it.
42. when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, "Taxi."
46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
47. she could sell shade.
48. people jog around her for exercise.
49. she gets runs in her jeans.
50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.
* * *
51. she eats Wheat Thicks.
52. light bends around her.
53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.
56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
58. she has to wake up in sections.
59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.
60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.
* * *
61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
62. she comes at you from all directions.
63. when she was growing up she didn't play with dolls, she played with midgets.
64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.
65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.
66. she doesn't eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
67. Weight Watchers won't look at her.
68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.
69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled "boulevard."
70. I ran around her twice and got lost.
* * *
71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.
72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
73. when she's standing on the corner police drive by and yell, "Hey, break it up."
74. she's been declared a natural habitat for condors.
75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.
76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
77. her blood type is Ragu.
78. they had to let out the shower curtain.
79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.
80. she can't even fit in the chat room.
* * *
81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.
82. she doesn't have a tailor, she has a contractor.
83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
84. she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...wearing ropes.
85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it's light she starts eating.
86. she's half Italian, half Irish, and half American.
87. when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "Okay.”
90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.
* * *
91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
92. her waist size is the Equator.
93. she’s got her own zip code.
94. she has to buy two plane tickets.
95. she stands in two time zones.
96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.
97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.
Yo momma so fat her bellybutton gets home 15 minutes before she does.
That’s a prime example of a 'Yo Momma' joke, a genre so popular it became the basis for a series of no-holds-barred competitions on MTV. Produced and hosted by actor Wilmer Valderrama, matches were held on successive seasons in Los Angeles, New York and Atlanta.
From Monday to Thursday, the show pitted the toughest trash talkers against one another. Each team of contestants battled it out in front of a rowdy live audience of their peers. The four winners then came back on Friday for a Best of the Week. Here are 98 more prime examples of Yo Momma humor:
Yo momma so fat,
1. she had to go to Sea World to get baptized.
2. when she tripped over on Fourth Avenue, she landed on Twelfth.
3. she's got her own area code.
4. when she talks to herself, it's a long distance call.
5. she's got smaller fat women orbiting around her.
6. whenever she goes to the beach, the tide comes in.
7. she was born on the fourth, fifth, and sixth of March.
8. she was floating in the ocean, and Spain claimed her for the New World.
9. she wears aluminum siding.
10. she could fall down and wouldn't even know it.
* * *
11. she got hit by a VW and had to go to the hospital to have it removed.
12. the sign inside one restaurant says, "Maximum occupancy, 512, or Yo momma."
13. she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
14. the back of her neck looks like a pack of hot dogs.
15. her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
16. she has to iron her pants on the driveway.
17. when she goes to a restaurant, she doesn't get a menu, she gets an estimate.
18. when she ran away, they had to use all four sides of the milk carton.
19. she was zoned for commercial development.
20. when she sings, it's over for everybody.
* * *
21. she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagen.
22. when she was walking down the street and I swerved to miss her, I ran out of gas. 23. when she dances, she makes the band skip.
24. when she got her shoes shined, she had to take the guy's word for it.
25. she gets group insurance.
26. she's on both sides of the family.
27. she can't reach her back pocket.
28. she was born with a silver shovel in her mouth.
29. when she fell over, she rocked herself to sleep trying to get up again.
30. when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips.
* * *
31. when she was diagnosed with a flesh-eating disease, the doctor gave her ten years to live.
32. we're in her right now.
33. when she sits around the house, she really sits around the house.
34. her bellybutton’s got an echo.
35. when she turns around people throw her a welcome back party.
36. her belly button doesn't have lint, it has sweaters.
37. the last time she saw 90210 was on a scale.
38. a picture of her would fall off the wall.
39. when she gets on the scale, it says "To be continued."
40. she sat on a dollar, and when she got up there were four quarters.
* * *
41. she fell in love and broke it.
42. when she takes a shower, her feet don't get wet.
43. you have to grease the door frame and hold a Twinkie on the other side just to get her through.
44. when she goes to an all-you-can-eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
45. when she wears a yellow raincoat people holler, "Taxi."
46. when she gets in an elevator, it has to go down.
47. she could sell shade.
48. people jog around her for exercise.
49. she gets runs in her jeans.
50. when she wears a Malcolm X T-shirt, helicopters try to land on her back.
* * *
51. she eats Wheat Thicks.
52. light bends around her.
53. when she was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
54. her graduation picture was an aerial photograph.
55. her job title is spoon and fork operator.
56. she left the house in high heels, and when she came back she had on flip-flops.
57. you have to take a train and two buses just to get on her good side.
58. she has to wake up in sections.
59. she sat on a quarter and a booger popped out of George Washington's nose.
60. she walked into the Gap and filled it.
* * *
61. she has to put her belt on with a boomerang.
62. she comes at you from all directions.
63. when she was growing up she didn't play with dolls, she played with midgets.
64. she uses two buses for roller-blades.
65. when she goes to a buffet, she gets the group rate.
66. she doesn't eat with a fork, she eats with a forklift.
67. Weight Watchers won't look at her.
68. the last time the landlord saw her, he doubled the rent.
69. she put on some BVDs and by the time she got them on, they spelled "boulevard."
70. I ran around her twice and got lost.
* * *
71. the shadow of her butt weighs 100 pounds.
72. the National Weather Service names each one of her farts.
73. when she's standing on the corner police drive by and yell, "Hey, break it up."
74. she's been declared a natural habitat for condors.
75. she sets off car alarms when she runs.
76. when she goes to the zoo the elephants throw her peanuts.
77. her blood type is Ragu.
78. they had to let out the shower curtain.
79. when she runs the fifty-yard dash she needs an overnight bag.
80. she can't even fit in the chat room.
* * *
81. she gets her toenails painted at Lucky’s Auto Body.
82. she doesn't have a tailor, she has a contractor.
83. she measures 36-24-36, and the other arm is just as big.
84. she was in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade...wearing ropes.
85. she went on a light diet. As soon as it's light she starts eating.
86. she's half Italian, half Irish, and half American.
87. when her beeper goes off, people think she's backing up.
88. when she goes to the movies, she sits next to everyone.
89. when she goes in a restaurant she looks at the menu and says, "Okay.”
90. she puts her lipstick on with a paint roller.
* * *
91. she has to pull down her pants to get in her pocket.
92. her waist size is the Equator.
93. she’s got her own zip code.
94. she has to buy two plane tickets.
95. she stands in two time zones.
96. she fell and created the Grand Canyon.
97. she can’t even jump to a conclusion.
98. she fell out of both sides of her bed.
Labels: Insult Humor, Yo Momma Is So Fat, Yo Momma Jokes
Monday, November 12, 2007
The Anatomy of Humor 10: Insult Humor
HUMOR
Put downs are not jokes in the purest sense of the word. Instead, they are caustic remarks made about someone else, and are best said guardedly. They are recorded here with no estimate of the frequency of their use--or overuse:
Put downs are not jokes in the purest sense of the word. Instead, they are caustic remarks made about someone else, and are best said guardedly. They are recorded here with no estimate of the frequency of their use--or overuse:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the toolbox.
Not the brightest penny in the purse.
Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
One sandwich short of a picnic.
One brick short of a load.
One egg short of an omelet.
One pickle short of a barrel.
One Froot Loop short of a full box.
You've heard of one brick short of a load? He's one load short of a load.
* * *
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to sneeze.
If brains were money, he couldn't change a nickel.
If brains were taxed, he would get a refund.
If brains were lead, his would blow away.
If brains were wood, his pet termite would starve.
If brains were muscles, 98-pound weaklings would be kicking sand in his face.
If brains were gold, he wouldn't have enough to fill a tooth--on a mouse.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to get his motorcycle out of the garage.
* * *
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have the brainpower to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have all his dogs on the same leash.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's asleep.
The gates are down the lights are flashing, but the train just isn't coming.
The light is on, but nobody is home.
The elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
The starting gate is open, but he's still asking directions
The last 10 pages are blank.
He's the last one out of the starting gate.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Donated his brain to science; science sent it back.
Donated his brain to science; science is contesting the will.
Donated his brain to science; they thought it was a new strain of bacterium.
When they handed out brains, he thought they said drains and didn't want one.
Has a brand new brain; it's never been used.
Half his brain is missing; the other half is out looking for it.
A perfectly good brain is going unused.
When he shakes his head you can hear his brain rattle like a pebble in a tin can.
Sharp as a blimp.
Sharp as a marshmallow.
Sharp as a cotton ball.
Got an IQ that's just about room temperature--on the Centigrade scale.
So dense light bends around him.
There's nothing in the attic but cobwebs.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
The brightness knob is set at low.
On the road of life he's the one going the other way.
His ignorance is exceeded only by his stupidity.
Thinks the phone book is idiotic; it takes hours to reach the name you want.
Thinks Red China refers to tableware.
Thinks Latin Americans speak Latin.
Could get lost in an empty closet.
Couldn't empty water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.
Not just a has-been, but also a won't be.
Started at rock bottom and went downhill from there.
Hates the cotton in pill bottles; it's so hard to swallow.
Often gets lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
If you put your ear to his head, you can hear the ocean.
His shoe size, his hat size and his IQ are all the same number.
It's a compliment to say he's below average.
Six of his teachers filed a lawsuit against his parents.
Does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
Put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Ordered a cheeseburger and added, "Hold the cheese."
Got fired by M&M for throwing away all the W's.
Called information to get the number for 911.
When he heard that 90% of all accidents occur in and around the home, he moved to an apartment.
Labels: Humor, Insult Humor
Thursday, November 01, 2007
Iran: Imminent Threat or Paper Tiger?
OP-ED
Lately, disquieting saber rattling has been heard emanating from Washington. Talking tough makes sense when you have the muscle to back it up. But with the nearly exhausted U.S. military still bogged down in Iraq and unable to bring peace to that ravaged country, it is foolhardy to be making noises that sound like willingness to undertake still another adventurous cruise in the uncharted waters of the Middle East.
Compared to what we knew about Iraq before we invaded it, Iran resembles Winston Churchill's famous description of the Soviet Union during the Cold War: a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Without diplomatic representation in Iran since 1979, we know woefully little about it.
Facing Iranian Facts
Let's put Iran into perspective by comparing it with Iraq: Iran is slightly larger than Alaska; Iraq is slightly more than twice the size of Idaho, which is to say that Iran is almost four times the size of Iraq. Instead of flat desert and lush river flood plains, Iran's borders are rimmed by formidable mountain ranges surrounding a central basin. In population, Iraq's 27.5 million inhabitants are dwarfed by Iran's more than twice as many 65.4 million. Some estimates place Iran's population as high as 70 million.
In any conflict between Iran and the U.S., the mismatch would be profound. In terms of per capita GDP, the U.S. figure is $43,800; Iran's is $8,700, about equal to Iraq's. Iran spends 2.5% of its GDP on its military; we spend 4.1% on ours. Iran is the key transshipment point for heroin moving from southwestern Asia to Europe, and has the highest percentage of the population using opiates. Lest we attempt to portray ourselves as superior in that respect, let it be noted here that the U.S. is the world's largest consumer of cocaine, and a major consumer of Ecstasy, Mexican heroin, marijuana and methamphetamine. So much for moral comparisons.
With American military forces in Iraq, Afghanistan, Central Asia and the countries of the Persian Gulf, and with carrier task forces patrolling in the Arabian Sea, all literally surrounding Iran, why wouldn't Iranians be apprehensive about our intentions and feel vulnerable? Here at home Americans similarly find the disposition of our forces and the bellicose talk emanating from Washington reason enough for worry.
Iran's professed need to create nuclear power facilities may have some basis in fact. Because of attractively high oil prices and the low level of Iranian industry, petroleum makes up 80 percent of its exports. Other items exported are fruits, nuts and carpets. Little of the crude oil Iran produces remains within its borders. India and Japan are major importers of Iranian oil.
In Iraq, President Bush's managerial ineptitude and poor judgment have left us mired in an endless war with no possibility of either achieving victory or exiting honorably. Thanks to mediocre public education and increasingly irresponsible mainstream media, the United States remains a country where knowledge of the history and geography of the Middle East are virtually absent. Despite having majored in history at Yale, the President has been blinded by his own abject ignorance of the Middle East, and his view of the area obviously has been tinctured by his provincialism, naive idealism and religion.
Similar lamentable ignorance can be found elsewhere in high places in America. Recently, Columbia University's President Lee Bollinger extended an invitation to speak on campus to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran’s President. In Iran, the presidency is an elected office but is largely honorific with comparatively little power. The only term to describe Mr. Bollinger's introduction of Mr. Ahmadinejad--one that verbally pummeled him to satisfy a pack of yapping yahoos—would be "boorish and ungracious treatment of an invited guest."
But instead of insulting him and thus strengthening his somewhat shaky position at home, Mr. Bollinger, by profession a lawyer, should have made a point of demonstrating democracy and free speech at work. This would have encouraged democracy-loving dissidents in Iran.
Mr. Bollinger's attitude only underscores the low level of knowledge about Iran and its people that is abroad in our land. If an American Ivy League university president knows so little about Iran, imagine the degree of ignorance prevailing at the highest level of our government.
Far from United
The notion that Iranians are united behind their government is preposterous to those who have any familiarity with the country. Among Iran's population, slightly more than half are ethnic Persians and 24 percent are Turks. Other ethnic minorities make up the remaining 25 percent. Many of Iran's 17 million Turks (called Azeri) are in open revolt against Persian cultural imperialism, and so are its 6 million Kurds. An Arab minority regularly detonates suicide bombs in Ahvaz in southwestern Iran. Baluchi tribesmen openly attack police posts in southeastern Iran.
We should be taking advantage of these major rifts and using them to our advantage to cause regime change. If some 40 percent of the American population were actively engaged in separatist struggles, one could hardly claim that the country was united behind Washington. Moreover, many in the bare majority of Persians oppose the theocratic regime of the mullahs because of its many prohibitive restrictions or because they are Sufis, a branch of Islam the regime persecutes almost as much as it does the small minority of the Baha'i sect.
The idea of Iranian national unity is a myth, and so is the concept of Persian nationalism, a minority position in a country where half the population is not even Persian. The U.S. should be capitalizing on these differences instead of portraying Iran as a united country.
Iran's Mythical Military Threat
As they did in the run-up to the first and second Iraq wars in 1991 and 2003, newspapers and magazines are starting to publish statistics about Iran's army, navy and air force to show how formidable they are. What they don't tell you is that Iran's warships are all more than 30 years old; its smaller naval vessels would only be capable of pin pricks against a modern navy. Because of a severe lack of spare parts, most of its combat aircraft (Mirages, F-4s, F-5s and F-14s) have not flown in years. Its army table of organization boasts brigades and divisions that exist only on paper.
Always described as a fearsome elite force, members of the Pasdaran Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps are uniformed smartly and appear to be well trained when marching in celebratory parades--but so do American high school marching bands. Although they exude a cocky, triumphant air--the truth is that they have fought only one war--the 1980-88 war against Iraq, and they took a licking in that one. Congress wants this force declared a terrorist force, but that makes them no more a foe to be feared than they are right now.
Iran's control over the narrow Strait of Hormuz through which tanker traffic down the Persian Gulf must pass is often cited as a reason to fear this mythical force, which allegedly could cripple U.S. oil imports and create a worldwide depression. Again, this is another manufactured threat that does not bear close examination. Global dependence on Middle Eastern oil is waning. At the time of the embargo by Arab oil-producing countries in 1973, the Middle East produced almost 40 percent of the world's crude oil. Today, the region produces less than 30 percent. In 1975, 28 percent of oil imported into the U.S. came from the Persian Gulf. Thirty years later only 17 percent came from there.
Miscalculation Common
Overestimating the strength of Middle Eastern military forces has been almost habitual among Western powers. In the 1960s the Soviet Union sold so much equipment to Gamal Abdel Nasser's Egypt that Western experts saw his military as intimidating. Just before the 1967 war, Field Marshall Sir Bernard Law Montgomery, no slouch at sizing up enemy forces, bought into the myth. While paying a ceremonious visit to the El Alamein battlefield and war cemetery, he predicted that the Egyptians could easily defeat the Israelis. Yet it took the Israelis only a few days to achieve victory. Six years later, with a substantial assist from the U.S. in the form of hastily airlifted munitions, the Israelis needed only three weeks to punish the Egyptians for their Yom Kippur surprise attack.
In the early 1990s, Saddam's army, which had defeated Iran after eight years of war (also with an assist from the U.S.) and was even larger than Nasser's, cast the same formidable shadow. So intimidated were the so-called coalition nations, they assembled a huge force. The U.S. contributed 575,000 troops, and 43,000 British, 14,000 French, 4,500 Canadians and assorted numbers from smaller nations also were arrayed against it.
When the war began in earnest, the Iraqi air force made no attempt to fight. Saddam's tanks that had paraded so threateningly provided little more than target practice for coalition forces. The levies that make up Arab armies have repeatedly shown little stomach for traditional battle, preferring what has come to be called asymmetrical, fourth-generation or guerrilla warfare.
In 2003, President George W. Bush, unknowledgeable and incurious about the Middle East, actually strengthened Iran by attacking and destroying its traditional archenemy, Iraq, previously a counter to Iranian expansionism. He further strengthened Iran by putting into power in Iraq a Shi'ia-dominated government with close ties to largely Shi'ia Iran. Now, possibly in an attempt to undo the mischief they have done to the balance of power in the Middle East, Messrs. Cheney and Bush are laying the groundwork for an attack on Iran.
With their saber rattling and scary talk of World War III, they hope to create the atmosphere of fear that worked so successfully in the lead-up to the attack on Iraq. The big question is whether the American people will hold still and allow themselves to be swindled a second time with the same tissue of lies and phony evidence.
Lately, disquieting saber rattling has been heard emanating from Washington. Talking tough makes sense when you have the muscle to back it up. But with the nearly exhausted U.S. military still bogged down in Iraq and unable to bring peace to that ravaged country, it is foolhardy to be making noises that sound like willingness to undertake still another adventurous cruise in the uncharted waters of the Middle East.
Compared to what we knew about Iraq before we invaded it, Iran resembles Winston Churchill's famous description of the Soviet Union during the Cold War: a riddle wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma. Without diplomatic representation in Iran since 1979, we know woefully little about it.
Facing Iranian Facts
Let's put Iran into perspective by comparing it with Iraq: Iran is slightly larger than Alaska; Iraq is slightly more than twice the size of Idaho, which is to say that Iran is almost four times the size of Iraq. Instead of flat desert and lush river flood plains, Iran's borders are rimmed by formidable mountain ranges surrounding a central basin. In population, Iraq's 27.5 million inhabitants are dwarfed by Iran's more than twice as many 65.4 million. Some estimates place Iran's population as high as 70 million.
In any conflict between Iran and the U.S., the mismatch would be profound. In terms of per capita GDP, the U.S. figure is $43,800; Iran's is $8,700, about equal to Iraq's. Iran spends 2.5% of its GDP on its military; we spend 4.1% on ours. Iran is the key transshipment point for heroin moving from southwestern Asia to Europe, and has the highest percentage of the population using opiates. Lest we attempt to portray ourselves as superior in that respect, let it be noted here that the U.S. is the world's largest consumer of cocaine, and a major consumer of Ecstasy, Mexican heroin, marijuana and methamphetamine. So much for moral comparisons.
With American military forces in Iraq, Afghanistan, Central Asia and the countries of the Persian Gulf, and with carrier task forces patrolling in the Arabian Sea, all literally surrounding Iran, why wouldn't Iranians be apprehensive about our intentions and feel vulnerable? Here at home Americans similarly find the disposition of our forces and the bellicose talk emanating from Washington reason enough for worry.
Iran's professed need to create nuclear power facilities may have some basis in fact. Because of attractively high oil prices and the low level of Iranian industry, petroleum makes up 80 percent of its exports. Other items exported are fruits, nuts and carpets. Little of the crude oil Iran produces remains within its borders. India and Japan are major importers of Iranian oil.
In Iraq, President Bush's managerial ineptitude and poor judgment have left us mired in an endless war with no possibility of either achieving victory or exiting honorably. Thanks to mediocre public education and increasingly irresponsible mainstream media, the United States remains a country where knowledge of the history and geography of the Middle East are virtually absent. Despite having majored in history at Yale, the President has been blinded by his own abject ignorance of the Middle East, and his view of the area obviously has been tinctured by his provincialism, naive idealism and religion.
Similar lamentable ignorance can be found elsewhere in high places in America. Recently, Columbia University's President Lee Bollinger extended an invitation to speak on campus to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, Iran’s President. In Iran, the presidency is an elected office but is largely honorific with comparatively little power. The only term to describe Mr. Bollinger's introduction of Mr. Ahmadinejad--one that verbally pummeled him to satisfy a pack of yapping yahoos—would be "boorish and ungracious treatment of an invited guest."
But instead of insulting him and thus strengthening his somewhat shaky position at home, Mr. Bollinger, by profession a lawyer, should have made a point of demonstrating democracy and free speech at work. This would have encouraged democracy-loving dissidents in Iran.
Mr. Bollinger's attitude only underscores the low level of knowledge about Iran and its people that is abroad in our land. If an American Ivy League university president knows so little about Iran, imagine the degree of ignorance prevailing at the highest level of our government.
Far from United
The notion that Iranians are united behind their government is preposterous to those who have any familiarity with the country. Among Iran's population, slightly more than half are ethnic Persians and 24 percent are Turks. Other ethnic minorities make up the remaining 25 percent. Many of Iran's 17 million Turks (called Azeri) are in open revolt against Persian cultural imperialism, and so are its 6 million Kurds. An Arab minority regularly detonates suicide bombs in Ahvaz in southwestern Iran. Baluchi tribesmen openly attack police posts in southeastern Iran.
We should be taking advantage of these major rifts and using them to our advantage to cause regime change. If some 40 percent of the American population were actively engaged in separatist struggles, one could hardly claim that the country was united behind Washington. Moreover, many in the bare majority of Persians oppose the theocratic regime of the mullahs because of its many prohibitive restrictions or because they are Sufis, a branch of Islam the regime persecutes almost as much as it does the small minority of the Baha'i sect.
The idea of Iranian national unity is a myth, and so is the concept of Persian nationalism, a minority position in a country where half the population is not even Persian. The U.S. should be capitalizing on these differences instead of portraying Iran as a united country.
Iran's Mythical Military Threat
As they did in the run-up to the first and second Iraq wars in 1991 and 2003, newspapers and magazines are starting to publish statistics about Iran's army, navy and air force to show how formidable they are. What they don't tell you is that Iran's warships are all more than 30 years old; its smaller naval vessels would only be capable of pin pricks against a modern navy. Because of a severe lack of spare parts, most of its combat aircraft (Mirages, F-4s, F-5s and F-14s) have not flown in years. Its army table of organization boasts brigades and divisions that exist only on paper.
Always described as a fearsome elite force, members of the Pasdaran Islamic Revolutionary Guard Corps are uniformed smartly and appear to be well trained when marching in celebratory parades--but so do American high school marching bands. Although they exude a cocky, triumphant air--the truth is that they have fought only one war--the 1980-88 war against Iraq, and they took a licking in that one. Congress wants this force declared a terrorist force, but that makes them no more a foe to be feared than they are right now.
Iran's control over the narrow Strait of Hormuz through which tanker traffic down the Persian Gulf must pass is often cited as a reason to fear this mythical force, which allegedly could cripple U.S. oil imports and create a worldwide depression. Again, this is another manufactured threat that does not bear close examination. Global dependence on Middle Eastern oil is waning. At the time of the embargo by Arab oil-producing countries in 1973, the Middle East produced almost 40 percent of the world's crude oil. Today, the region produces less than 30 percent. In 1975, 28 percent of oil imported into the U.S. came from the Persian Gulf. Thirty years later only 17 percent came from there.
Miscalculation Common
Overestimating the strength of Middle Eastern military forces has been almost habitual among Western powers. In the 1960s the Soviet Union sold so much equipment to Gamal Abdel Nasser's Egypt that Western experts saw his military as intimidating. Just before the 1967 war, Field Marshall Sir Bernard Law Montgomery, no slouch at sizing up enemy forces, bought into the myth. While paying a ceremonious visit to the El Alamein battlefield and war cemetery, he predicted that the Egyptians could easily defeat the Israelis. Yet it took the Israelis only a few days to achieve victory. Six years later, with a substantial assist from the U.S. in the form of hastily airlifted munitions, the Israelis needed only three weeks to punish the Egyptians for their Yom Kippur surprise attack.
In the early 1990s, Saddam's army, which had defeated Iran after eight years of war (also with an assist from the U.S.) and was even larger than Nasser's, cast the same formidable shadow. So intimidated were the so-called coalition nations, they assembled a huge force. The U.S. contributed 575,000 troops, and 43,000 British, 14,000 French, 4,500 Canadians and assorted numbers from smaller nations also were arrayed against it.
When the war began in earnest, the Iraqi air force made no attempt to fight. Saddam's tanks that had paraded so threateningly provided little more than target practice for coalition forces. The levies that make up Arab armies have repeatedly shown little stomach for traditional battle, preferring what has come to be called asymmetrical, fourth-generation or guerrilla warfare.
In 2003, President George W. Bush, unknowledgeable and incurious about the Middle East, actually strengthened Iran by attacking and destroying its traditional archenemy, Iraq, previously a counter to Iranian expansionism. He further strengthened Iran by putting into power in Iraq a Shi'ia-dominated government with close ties to largely Shi'ia Iran. Now, possibly in an attempt to undo the mischief they have done to the balance of power in the Middle East, Messrs. Cheney and Bush are laying the groundwork for an attack on Iran.
With their saber rattling and scary talk of World War III, they hope to create the atmosphere of fear that worked so successfully in the lead-up to the attack on Iraq. The big question is whether the American people will hold still and allow themselves to be swindled a second time with the same tissue of lies and phony evidence.
Labels: Iran, Op Ed, Petroleum
