Monday, November 12, 2007
The Anatomy of Humor 10: Insult Humor
Put downs are not jokes in the purest sense of the word. Instead, they are caustic remarks made about someone else, and are best said guardedly. They are recorded here with no estimate of the frequency of their use--or overuse:
Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
Not the sharpest tool in the toolbox.
Not the brightest penny in the purse.
Not the brightest bulb on the tree.
One sandwich short of a picnic.
One brick short of a load.
One egg short of an omelet.
One pickle short of a barrel.
One Froot Loop short of a full box.
You've heard of one brick short of a load? He's one load short of a load.
* * *
If brains were dynamite, he wouldn't have enough to sneeze.
If brains were money, he couldn't change a nickel.
If brains were taxed, he would get a refund.
If brains were lead, his would blow away.
If brains were wood, his pet termite would starve.
If brains were muscles, 98-pound weaklings would be kicking sand in his face.
If brains were gold, he wouldn't have enough to fill a tooth--on a mouse.
If brains were gasoline, he wouldn't have enough to get his motorcycle out of the garage.
* * *
Doesn't have his belt through all the loops.
Doesn't have the brainpower to toast a crouton.
Doesn't have all his dogs on the same leash.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's asleep.
The gates are down the lights are flashing, but the train just isn't coming.
The light is on, but nobody is home.
The elevator doesn't go to the top floor.
The starting gate is open, but he's still asking directions
The last 10 pages are blank.
He's the last one out of the starting gate.
Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.
Donated his brain to science; science sent it back.
Donated his brain to science; science is contesting the will.
Donated his brain to science; they thought it was a new strain of bacterium.
When they handed out brains, he thought they said drains and didn't want one.
Has a brand new brain; it's never been used.
Half his brain is missing; the other half is out looking for it.
A perfectly good brain is going unused.
When he shakes his head you can hear his brain rattle like a pebble in a tin can.
Sharp as a blimp.
Sharp as a marshmallow.
Sharp as a cotton ball.
Got an IQ that's just about room temperature--on the Centigrade scale.
So dense light bends around him.
There's nothing in the attic but cobwebs.
If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change.
The brightness knob is set at low.
On the road of life he's the one going the other way.
His ignorance is exceeded only by his stupidity.
Thinks the phone book is idiotic; it takes hours to reach the name you want.
Thinks Red China refers to tableware.
Thinks Latin Americans speak Latin.
Could get lost in an empty closet.
Couldn't empty water out of a boot with the instructions printed on the heel.
Not just a has-been, but also a won't be.
Started at rock bottom and went downhill from there.
Hates the cotton in pill bottles; it's so hard to swallow.
Often gets lost in thought; it's unfamiliar territory.
If you put your ear to his head, you can hear the ocean.
His shoe size, his hat size and his IQ are all the same number.
It's a compliment to say he's below average.
Six of his teachers filed a lawsuit against his parents.
Does the work of three men: Larry, Moe and Curly.
Put a quarter in a parking meter and waited for a gumball to come out.
Ordered a cheeseburger and added, "Hold the cheese."
Got fired by M&M for throwing away all the W's.
Called information to get the number for 911.
When he heard that 90% of all accidents occur in and around the home, he moved to an apartment.
Labels: Humor, Insult Humor
