Monday, September 10, 2007
The Anatomy of Humor 5: Scottish Humor
HUMOR
Inevitably, every student of ethnic or regional humor becomes aware of almost certain duplication of humorous anecdotes from culture to culture. The talkative, endlessly chattering or social-climbing wife and the overbearing husband are stereotypes that turn up across a wide range of ethnic humor.
Scottish humor--not Scotch humor--is the subject of this week's column. It takes its subject matter from a number of themes: Scotch whisky, the Scots' proverbial thriftiness, the weather, golf, their ancient rivalry with the English, and two objects closely associated with Scotland: bagpipes and kilts.
To avoid gaffes or confusion, a brief clarification of terms may be in order. The adjective "Scotch" is in disfavor except in such established phrases as Scotch broth (a thick soup prepared from mutton, vegetables and barley), Scotch whisky or Scotch plaid. As a descriptive term, Scotch is used primarily outside of Scotland. Just as the inhabitants of San Francisco object to their city being called Frisco, the inhabitants of Scotland object to being called Scotchmen or Scotchwomen.
Scottish is the full, original form of the adjective; Scots is an early Scottish variant. Usages involving the full form "Scottish" are sometimes found in more formal contexts. Scotch is actually an English contraction of Scottish that came into use in Scotland briefly but later fell into disfavor. In references to people, forms involving the word Scotch should be avoided; Scot, Scotsman or Scotswoman are preferred.
Scot is the original term for a native of Scotland. Scotch-Irish is the most commonly used term for the Scots who migrated to North America from Ulster in Ireland in great numbers before the Revolution. The Ulster Scots were descendants of immigrants from the Lowlands and Scottish Border country. Settling the frontier hill country from Pennsylvania to Georgia, they were recognized for such qualities as loyalty to kin, distrust of government authority, and a fondness for bearing arms.Lately, the usage Scots-Irish has gained currency among those who know that Scotch in such instances is considered offensive in Scotland.
The term Scotchmen is nevertheless acceptable, although Scotsmen is preferable. For practical purposes, the words Scot, Scotsmen and Scotchmen are synonymous. Scots generally reserve Scotch for things, as noted above, and Scottish for people. Thus, one would never speak of Scottish whisky. By the way, when the place of origin is Scotland or Canada, the spelling is always whisky, not whiskey.
When a tradesman finishes a job in Scotland, it is an old custom for the householder to offer him a drink. Here's a joke on this theme: "Would you like a wee dram?" the lady-of-the-house asked a plumber. "A wouldna' say 'No,'" he replied. The woman produced a bottle. "And how do you like it, Sandy?" she asked. He replied: "Half whisky and half water. An' put in plenty o' water."
And another: A farmer's wife, who tended to be rather stingy with her whisky, offered a carpenter a drink. As she handed him his glass, she explained it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the man, regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
Excesses in consumption of what some Scots regard as "the water of life" can provoke conjugal exasperation in any culture: McTavish was always coming home from the pub in the wee small hours of the morning. Finally, he found this note from his wife: "The day before yesterday you came home yesterday morning. Yesterday you came home this morning. So if today you come home tomorrow morning you will find that I left you yesterday."
Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock once offered some humorous observations about the use of whisky as part of Scottish culture: "The Scots do not drink. During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks spent lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasions saw whisky made use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a medicine, or as a precaution against illness, or as a wise offset against a rather treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never."
Leacock continued: "There are seventeen reasons advanced in Scotland for taking whisky. They run as follows: Reason one, because it is raining. Two, because it is not raining. Three, because you are just going out into the weather. Four, because you have just come in from the weather. Five; no, I forget the ones that come after that. But I remember that reason number seventeen is 'because it canna do ye any harm.' On the whole, reason seventeen is the best." Leacock concluded that Scots make use of whisky with dignity and without shame--and they never call it alcohol.
As for thriftiness, residents of the city of Aberdeen are noted throughout Scotland for this quality. It is said that the entire population of the city once took to the streets, each with an empty glass in hand, when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air. A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The bartender explained that it was priced so low to mark the centenary of the pub's opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Aren't the regular customers here for the special prices?" he asked. To which the bartender replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour."
And the ultimate in thriftiness: Angus stopped by to see his friend Donald and found him steaming the wallpaper and stripping it from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Donald replied, "Naw, I'm moving ta another hoose."
Then there's the infamous Scottish weather which is summed up in this little exchange: Question: What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Answer: Summer.
Although it is generally accepted that golf originated in Scotland, the Scots have taken to denying the truth of this assertion on the grounds that no Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball. An irate golfer at St. Andrews, on his way to a round of 150, exploded, "You must be the worst caddy in the world!" The Scots also pride themselves on their dry wit. The caddy's response was, "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Many battles were fought between the Scots and the English. It was not unusual for the Scots to initiate the contest by invading their larger neighbor to the south. After several hundred years of actual conflict it is inevitable that a combative quality should remain in the relationship with England. This shines through occasionally in jokes told when the former rivals meet: A Scottish bus driver was conducting a tour of lowland Scotland for a group of tourists, pointing out sites of interest. He drove by one area and said, "Over there is where the Scots pulverized the English." They drove a little farther and the driver pointed to another area along the road and said, "This is the place where the Scots massacred the English." Not much farther down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scots whipped the English. A tourist on the bus with a strong English accent finally asked, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?" The driver shook his head, "Not when I'm driving the bus."
As for bagpipe jokes--inevitably revolving around their sound and the discomfort they provoke--such jokes are so numerous they have been collected into books on the subject. Here's a classic example: A Scotsman visited London each year on his annual holiday and stayed at the same large hotel. However, he concluded the English were not very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
Scots jokingly deny that the kilt originated in 1298 when a Scottish laird named Ronald McGregor won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle. Jokes about kilts are largely concerned with the question of whether undergarments are worn with them. This being the electronic equivalent of a family newspaper, we won't go into that question.
Inevitably, every student of ethnic or regional humor becomes aware of almost certain duplication of humorous anecdotes from culture to culture. The talkative, endlessly chattering or social-climbing wife and the overbearing husband are stereotypes that turn up across a wide range of ethnic humor.
Scottish humor--not Scotch humor--is the subject of this week's column. It takes its subject matter from a number of themes: Scotch whisky, the Scots' proverbial thriftiness, the weather, golf, their ancient rivalry with the English, and two objects closely associated with Scotland: bagpipes and kilts.
To avoid gaffes or confusion, a brief clarification of terms may be in order. The adjective "Scotch" is in disfavor except in such established phrases as Scotch broth (a thick soup prepared from mutton, vegetables and barley), Scotch whisky or Scotch plaid. As a descriptive term, Scotch is used primarily outside of Scotland. Just as the inhabitants of San Francisco object to their city being called Frisco, the inhabitants of Scotland object to being called Scotchmen or Scotchwomen.
Scottish is the full, original form of the adjective; Scots is an early Scottish variant. Usages involving the full form "Scottish" are sometimes found in more formal contexts. Scotch is actually an English contraction of Scottish that came into use in Scotland briefly but later fell into disfavor. In references to people, forms involving the word Scotch should be avoided; Scot, Scotsman or Scotswoman are preferred.
Scot is the original term for a native of Scotland. Scotch-Irish is the most commonly used term for the Scots who migrated to North America from Ulster in Ireland in great numbers before the Revolution. The Ulster Scots were descendants of immigrants from the Lowlands and Scottish Border country. Settling the frontier hill country from Pennsylvania to Georgia, they were recognized for such qualities as loyalty to kin, distrust of government authority, and a fondness for bearing arms.Lately, the usage Scots-Irish has gained currency among those who know that Scotch in such instances is considered offensive in Scotland.
The term Scotchmen is nevertheless acceptable, although Scotsmen is preferable. For practical purposes, the words Scot, Scotsmen and Scotchmen are synonymous. Scots generally reserve Scotch for things, as noted above, and Scottish for people. Thus, one would never speak of Scottish whisky. By the way, when the place of origin is Scotland or Canada, the spelling is always whisky, not whiskey.
When a tradesman finishes a job in Scotland, it is an old custom for the householder to offer him a drink. Here's a joke on this theme: "Would you like a wee dram?" the lady-of-the-house asked a plumber. "A wouldna' say 'No,'" he replied. The woman produced a bottle. "And how do you like it, Sandy?" she asked. He replied: "Half whisky and half water. An' put in plenty o' water."
And another: A farmer's wife, who tended to be rather stingy with her whisky, offered a carpenter a drink. As she handed him his glass, she explained it was extra good whisky, being fourteen years old. "Weel, mistress," said the man, regarding his glass sorrowfully, "It's very small for its age."
Excesses in consumption of what some Scots regard as "the water of life" can provoke conjugal exasperation in any culture: McTavish was always coming home from the pub in the wee small hours of the morning. Finally, he found this note from his wife: "The day before yesterday you came home yesterday morning. Yesterday you came home this morning. So if today you come home tomorrow morning you will find that I left you yesterday."
Canadian humorist Stephen Leacock once offered some humorous observations about the use of whisky as part of Scottish culture: "The Scots do not drink. During the whole of two or three pleasant weeks spent lecturing in Scotland, I never on any occasions saw whisky made use of as a beverage. I have seen people take it, of course, as a medicine, or as a precaution against illness, or as a wise offset against a rather treacherous climate; but as a beverage, never."
Leacock continued: "There are seventeen reasons advanced in Scotland for taking whisky. They run as follows: Reason one, because it is raining. Two, because it is not raining. Three, because you are just going out into the weather. Four, because you have just come in from the weather. Five; no, I forget the ones that come after that. But I remember that reason number seventeen is 'because it canna do ye any harm.' On the whole, reason seventeen is the best." Leacock concluded that Scots make use of whisky with dignity and without shame--and they never call it alcohol.
As for thriftiness, residents of the city of Aberdeen are noted throughout Scotland for this quality. It is said that the entire population of the city once took to the streets, each with an empty glass in hand, when the weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air. A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The bartender explained that it was priced so low to mark the centenary of the pub's opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty. "Aren't the regular customers here for the special prices?" he asked. To which the bartender replied, "They're waiting for the Happy Hour."
And the ultimate in thriftiness: Angus stopped by to see his friend Donald and found him steaming the wallpaper and stripping it from the walls. Rather obviously, he remarked, "You're decorating, I see." To which Donald replied, "Naw, I'm moving ta another hoose."
Then there's the infamous Scottish weather which is summed up in this little exchange: Question: What do you call six weeks of rain in Scotland? Answer: Summer.
Although it is generally accepted that golf originated in Scotland, the Scots have taken to denying the truth of this assertion on the grounds that no Scotsman would invent a game in which it was possible to lose a ball. An irate golfer at St. Andrews, on his way to a round of 150, exploded, "You must be the worst caddy in the world!" The Scots also pride themselves on their dry wit. The caddy's response was, "That would be too much of a coincidence, sir."
Many battles were fought between the Scots and the English. It was not unusual for the Scots to initiate the contest by invading their larger neighbor to the south. After several hundred years of actual conflict it is inevitable that a combative quality should remain in the relationship with England. This shines through occasionally in jokes told when the former rivals meet: A Scottish bus driver was conducting a tour of lowland Scotland for a group of tourists, pointing out sites of interest. He drove by one area and said, "Over there is where the Scots pulverized the English." They drove a little farther and the driver pointed to another area along the road and said, "This is the place where the Scots massacred the English." Not much farther down the road the driver told his passengers that on the right was the great battlefield where the Scots whipped the English. A tourist on the bus with a strong English accent finally asked, "My good man, didn't the English win any battles around here?" The driver shook his head, "Not when I'm driving the bus."
As for bagpipe jokes--inevitably revolving around their sound and the discomfort they provoke--such jokes are so numerous they have been collected into books on the subject. Here's a classic example: A Scotsman visited London each year on his annual holiday and stayed at the same large hotel. However, he concluded the English were not very friendly. "At three o'clock every morning," he told a friend, "they hammered on my bedroom door, on the walls, even on the floor and ceiling. Sometimes they hammered so loud I could hardly hear myself playing the bagpipes."
Scots jokingly deny that the kilt originated in 1298 when a Scottish laird named Ronald McGregor won a lady's tartan skirt in a raffle. Jokes about kilts are largely concerned with the question of whether undergarments are worn with them. This being the electronic equivalent of a family newspaper, we won't go into that question.
Labels: Humor, Scottish Humor
